Every so often, I decide to step out of the basement, throw on a fresh pair of pants, have mom make me lunch (Cut the crust of the ###### bread! Jesus Christ, ma! How many times do I have to tell you?), and take a well-deserved field trip to the ball park. Today was one of those days.

After writing about my slight infatuation with a pitcher who probably isn’t all there mentally, I decided that I should probably check him out in person for his first start of the year. Besides, this could be the day that a Marlins starting pitcher makes it past the 5th inning… maybe.

After the jump, a picture-filled journey featuring Scott Olsen’s latest run-in with the cops and the first pictures of the Marlins new “dance team” — the Manatees.

I was determined to get to the park before batting practice. Traffic, however, could care less for my simple wants and desires. The cause of the traffic? Everyone on Earth slowing down to look at one car, pulled over by 4 Aventura police cruisers. I don’t wanna say I told ya so, but…

It’s 6:20 when I get to Dolphin Stadium and park. This was so much easier when I lived across the street and walked to games. Cheaper, too. Eh. Whatever. I walk up to the counter to buy tickets and I’m first in line. (And also not surprised in the least by this.) It’s the fourth game of the season, so surely I won’t be able to get good seats at the outfield wall for this one, right?

“How ’bout 3rd row?”

Or I could be wrong.

I’m now walking to my seats, when I pass two curious things:

A group was on a small stage, right at the entrance, performing music that I had never heard before, and probably for good reason. This man was the only person watching them perform, and as you can tell from the picture, he seemed just as dumbfounded as myself. The other thing I came across on the way to my seats, was this:

Now, I own a BlackBerry. And I love mascots. But a giant mascot version of my phone? Yea, that one was a little confusing. I would come to find out later that Verizon sponsored a Blackberry giveaway during the game. A giveaway where they announced that they hid a Blackberry logo under one of the seats in the stadium. The person sitting in that seat would get a free Blackberry Pearl. Only problem? The stadium holds 36,331. There were under 10,000 people in attendance. What are the odds someone would actually be sitting in that seat? Needless to say, we never found out if anyone won that phone.

Now I’m at my section. I’m not sitting in my seats. I’m in someone else’s actually. There were seats open 2 rows ahead of me, which happened to be the first row, so I snagged those. Surely, the dozens of people in attendance wouldn’t have a problem with this minor infraction. I’m sure we could’ve all just shared one row if the situation called for it.

Sitting in the first row at batting practice allows you to see things that you wouldn’t normally see. One such thing?

Xavier Nady stood bored in the outfield right after batting practice. Nothing was really going on, so what was he to do? Play catch with one of the kids in the outfield bleachers, of course. It was a mildly entertaining thing to watch as an athlete, for once, displayed human qualities, and just acted like he was having fun out there. (Brett Favre, excluded. That guy is always having fun out there. Ugh. Shoot me.) After a quick game of catch, he even motioned for the kid to chuck the ball directly at an unsuspecting Billy the Marlin. Luckily the kid didn’t do it, because seriously, if Billy goes down, who’s going to shoot t-shirts out of a giant air-cannon during the 7th inning stretch? Yea, thought so.

After that fun ended, I turned my attention to my new crush, warming up in the outfield…

Of course, they weren’t going to leave him by himself out there. That shit just isn’t safe.

Well, now that everyone is warmed up, let’s start the game. What are we waiting for? Players? Check. Coaches? Check. Umpires? Check. Fans? Uh… umm… uhh…

It was like a scene out of a creepy horror movie, where it seems like a ghost town. Things are quiet. Maybe a little too quiet…

No takers, even on the hot tubs? What? It’s Florida. You can’t handle 90 degree heat and 90 degree water? Pansy.

There was one fan, though, that refused to be lumped in with the rest of the crowd. A guy that felt the need to stand out. To not conform to what society deems normal and appropriate attire at a baseball game. You sir, dressed like neither a Marlin or a Pirate. Or a human. Ok, I give up. What the hell are you dressed as, sir?

It’s now 8 hours after I initially spotted this man, and I’m just as confused now as I was at the very first moment. What I’m not confused by? Fat men, costumes and dancing. Or any combination of the three, for that matter. So without further ado, I give you pictures of MLB’s fattest dance squad in 2008 — The Marlins Manatees!

Do a little dance…

Make a little love…

Get down tonight.

For those not into large hairy men dressed as the Village People, the Marlins organization has not forgotten about you either…

In the end, though, it was the fat men who prevailed, taking a victory lap through the empty seats of right field.

As for the game, itself? Well, the Marlins fell behind 3-0 early. Pitching hasn’t exactly been their forte early on. Scott Olsen did try to make up for those runs by driving in one of his own in the bottom of the 2nd. But after Florida tied the score in the bottom of the 3rd, Olsen gave up a homer to Ryan Doumit to start the 4th.

However, the Pirates would have none of this winning business, as a routine grounder by Josh Willingham turned into a Bad News Bears movie for the Bucs. First the throw sailed over Adam LaRoche’s head at first base. Then, as if his body had been possessed by a 4th grader, LaRoche’s kickball instincts took over, throwing the ball at Willingham as he was moving toward second. In kickball, Josh Willingham would be out. In baseball, the ball goes off of the runner, into the outfield and Mike Jacobs, who happened to be on the base paths when the play started, trots home while he tries to figure out who replaced the Pirates infield with the supporting cast of The Ringer.

With the score knotted at 4 in the bottom of the ninth inning, the Marlins pulled off something that hadn’t been done in Miami in… well… 3 days. Mike Jacobs took Franquelis Osoria deep and the team went out for snow cones. Because the people that play whole game get a whole snow cone and the people that play half game get a whole snow cone. So it’s always whole snow cone. So, I’d rather play half game. Still get the whole snow cone…