When the season started, there were certain players we had high hopes for and certain players we had our doubts about. Since we’re at the All Star Break, we thought we’d take a little time to look at some key players and how they met, failed to meet or exceeded our lofty expectations. Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments, so the trusty elves who monitor our comments section will be sure to kick your lame ass out for disagreeing. Now let us begin this process, shall we?
Emilio Bonifacio
Before the season: It’s a safe assumption that the collective reaction to hearing that a guy named Emilio Bonifacio would be starting at third for the Marlins would be, “Who?”
But, seemingly everyone in the know praised this kid for being the speed this team has so desperately missed since the loss of Juan Pierre. (Which is a really funny idea to begin with.)
Sometimes those people are way too close to the situation.
The simple fact is that nobody had ever heard the name Emilio Bonifacio. And even after you heard the name, you could look up his career numbers–I know, small sample size, blah blah blah–and see that they were beyond underwhelming.
It also didn’t help matters that he abused Lastings Milledge and the Nationals on opening weekend. Clearly, the hype machine had been switched into overdrive.
Really, though? That was the freakin’ Nationals. The Nationals, who currently sit 143-games below .500. The same crappy team that was more than willing to package Bonifacio in a deal for a mediocre pitcher and a guy who strikes out a ton. The Nationals! Think about that for a second. That, my friends, does not inspire much confidence.
@ the All Star Break: Wow. If Marlins fans could punch one player in the face, without reprecussion, it would, no doubt, be Bonifacio.
He’s the girlfriend who answers the door naked one day, but gets drunk and hooks up with your friend, the next. He has the unique ability to continually make you angry beyond belief in the first inning and ecstatic in the fifth.
Once the first two weeks of the season were over, most Marlins fans were convinced they had a secret weapon that would bat lead-off and steal 50 bases. Then, over the next month or two, they learned that he only got on base every 37th at-bat, and when he did, he lacked a fundamental understanding of even the most basic base-running skills. But, don’t worry. Just when you start to sour on him, he’ll turn things around and make you believe he’s turning the corner.
He’s not.
Let me state this plainly. Emilio Bonifacio should not be in a Major League lineup. Ever. He can’t hit, draw walks, bunt or field a ball cleanly. He’s, clearly, great at one thing and one thing only–being fast. Awesome. So, essentially, the Marlins have the leagues best pinch-runner. He’s the Tedd Ginn, Jr. of Major League Baseball.
In summation, fuck you, Emilio Bonifacio. I know that being in the majors sort of puts you in the top one percent of all baseball players in the world, but go blow a fucking goat. I’ve been able to fight off your speedy charm thus far, so don’t think you’re ever going to suck me in. I’m onto you.
Now get the fuck on base.
